A work in progress
That I am.
Sometimes it must all crash down before you can move on. Just like Paul and Barnabas and their fight before their seperation, we too will go through seperations. Seperation from people, thoughts, beliefs, circumstances that have become outdated, clash or is simply toxic. God did not reprimand those two. There was no part in the bible where God said what had happened was incorrect. They had a fight too. Have you ever felt guilty for arguing with someone? Sometimes I ask myself why? We as human beings will disagree. We will fight and argue. But one thing you must ask yourself: am I and this person willing to come to an agreement? Are we willing to fight for each other. To understand one another? If not, seperate. No hard feelings, just go. When you’ve reached the end of the line, when you can no longer bear the stress of that tug-of-war just simply let go. There is nothing in the bible that condemns us if we decide to leave a very unhealthy relationship. You trust and serve God not man. God might call you to witness to many people but the dynamics of witnessing and a relationship are very different. If two people are not willing to put in the work, if there is always strife, always tears, always fear;.the bible says it is better to live in peace than to live in strife. It doesn’t make you a wonderful person by continously going back to someone who you will eventually fight with. Kindly say to yourself “This is it.” It is done. It isn’t hate or a sin to remove yourself from bad or toxic company. Don’t let guilt or fear keep you from surrounding yourself with people who will bring out the best in you.
You will know when there is love around you. Paul describes love for us: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4 (NIV)
Just ask yourself: are my relationships reflecting the love that paul describes? Have I tried to communicate these things and were they reciprocated?
If not, you must evaluate if this relationship should be continued.
Laborious, laborious pain
I’m giving birth to all my past mistakes.
Nothing to extinguish the agony of shame.
A bitter bitter slave to a convoluted fate.
A deep deep breath in
filling lungs with air to live
peace and well-being.
The sweltering heat
oppresses with no mercy
yet I still move on.
I will not be silenced
told when to speak
Close your ears and hide if you must
for my words speak truths that
haunt you at night.
Everything I represent
exposes the lies that you embody
I shall never be silenced!
Shut me up
and my legacy
will ooze from my pores
and come to life
in another form.
Everything I am
fuels the jealousy inside
you can’t hide
from your own worthlessness
simply because you refuse
to see your own worth
and elevate yourself
to mountain peek.
Don’t blame me for your misery
as truth hurts.
Do something about it
and change your world.
If not, you will be consumed
by your own inner darkness.
hit lights that bounce off
and stain windows
Can’t help but daydream about
Autumn- with it’s shades of
gold, green and yellow frills
that adorn her dress.
She dances to the beat of the wind
but if she keeps dancing
she will lose her energy
-naked and tired.
Preparing for her slumber for another
until the new year.
Help me to swim
I don’t want to drown
in a sea of lifelessness.
Can’t help but look at myself
and see the struggles I face
day to day…
It’s like a never ending cycle
of false hope and broken dreams
I keep reminding myself
that it will get better
I was never taught how to swim
watched everyone sinking around me
I have my head above water but I’m slowing sinking
Can’t help but feel as if it’s from my own
fear of what holding on to you would mean.
Would it means a life I am not use to?
Would it mean that I would lose the last bits of my life
even though I desperately want to throw it away?
Does anyone relate to this feeling?
A tug of war of what I should do and what I feel like doing.
A bubbling over of anger at life and at myself for being so unpredictable;
Never in my life had I felt the touch of happiness
it was always full of pain
I was hoping that now, I could feel that
but I’m stuck here
gazing at my fingers, wondering why they are still here.
Why is each and every finger still here?
Count to ten and let it all explode
one by one feeling each sorrowful memory
dissipate into nothingness.
When I feel like sinking
it’s because I look backwards
Emotions are obsolete in the world of faith.
It’s what we know…
Like I know I have ten fingers…