My Lovely Whimsical Mind

Self-Written Poetry, Short Stories, and Creative Nonfiction.

I won’t be silenced.

I will not be silenced

told when to speak

by you!

Close your ears and hide if you must

for my words speak truths that

haunt you at night.

 

Everything I represent

exposes the lies that you embody

I shall never be silenced!

 

Shut me up

and my legacy

will ooze from my pores

and come to life

in another form.

 

Everything I am

fuels the jealousy inside

you can’t hide

from your own worthlessness

simply because you refuse

to see your own worth

and elevate yourself

to mountain peek.

 

Don’t blame me for your misery

as truth hurts.

Do something about it

and change your world.

If not, you will be consumed

by your own inner darkness.

Dancing Autumn Leaves

Golden beams

hit lights that bounce off

and stain windows

in summer.

Can’t help but daydream about

Autumn- with it’s shades of

gold, green and yellow frills

that adorn her dress.

She dances to the beat of the wind

but if she keeps dancing

she will lose her energy

-naked and tired.

Preparing for her slumber for another

until the new year.

Poetic Story II

Help me to swim
I don’t want to drown
in a sea of lifelessness.

Can’t help but look at myself
and see the struggles I face
day to day…

It’s like a never ending cycle
of false hope and broken dreams

I keep reminding myself
that it will get better
someday….

I was never taught how to swim
watched everyone sinking around me
I have my head above water but I’m slowing sinking

Can’t help but feel as if it’s from my own
fear of what holding on to you would mean.

Would it means a life I am not use to?
Would it mean that I would lose the last bits of my life
even though I desperately want to throw it away?

Does anyone relate to this feeling?
A tug of war of what I should do and what I feel like doing.

A bubbling over of anger at life and at myself for being so unpredictable;

Never in my life had I felt the touch of happiness
it was always full of pain

I was hoping that now, I could feel that
but I’m stuck here

gazing at my fingers, wondering why they are still here.

Why is each and every finger still here?

Count to ten and let it all explode

one by one feeling each sorrowful memory
dissipate into nothingness.

When I feel like sinking

it’s because I look backwards

not forwards.

I’m distracted

and weak.

Emotions are obsolete in the world of faith.

It’s what we know…

Like I know I have ten fingers…

Poetic Story I

Knock on the door.

It opens and I see a mirror.

I look into it and see no reflection

so I throw it to the floor.

I close the door.

I walk to the end of the corridor.

I see a window.

I pull it open with all my might

but the sky is empty

pitch black and cold.

I slam the window shut.

I turn on my heel and run for the exit

but the door was bolted shut.

I fall to my knees

and all I can do is stare at my hands.

I hadn’t notice they were wrinkled and old.

Aged.

Bruised.

The sound of time fills the air.

It echoes in the halls and bounces off walls

and slam into doors

and rattle hanging objects.

Each movement of time

Each moment of progression

and yet, I am still on my knees

counting my fingers to see if they were all still there.

They are still here.

Clouds Will Go Away

Clouds will go away

Once you stop feeding them the rain

You feed laughter with joy

And you kill anger with kindness

There is a cycle for everything on this earth

Sometimes, there is a time for people to fall apart,

So that they can grow and become who they need to be.

A tug on each end, opposite directions

You realized you have outgrown a friend.

And nothing you both do can rewind broken time.

A screeching halt and your ears start to bleed

You don’t want to hear it…

That it’s time for the end…

But leaves must fall so new ones can be ready for spring….

By: Merrishel

A Psalm-2

 

A Psalm of Meari

My heart is screaming, oh Lord

I am afraid.

My enemies plot in secret

They hide their faces as they plan my demise.

They speak slanderous against me

they murder me with their tongue,

having no guilt in their heart.

They lay in wait for my folly,

to see my spirit weary is their prize.

I will put my trust in God,

He places within me a faith

that grows and blooms like flowers in spring time.

His hand is upon me and I am protected.

Just like Jerusalem a city without walls,

God is my fiery wall of protection.

If I keep my eyes on God,

He will not remove himself from me.

He will always protect those that love and honor him.

Above all, Jesus, my Christ

allow your Holy Spirit to enable me

to be more and more like you each day.

Help me to know your ways.

Help me to grow in the spirit and

produce godly actions with a pure and humble heart.

Let every hard trial be for my edification

and for glory unto your name,

forever.

Selah

A Psalm

A Psalm of Meari

Why do I serve you Oh Lord?

Why do I call out your name?

When I was sick and my body broken

You placed within me a seed of faith

And it grew and grew and

You showed me the power you placed in me

To believe in your name

But then,

I manage to stumble and fall

And I begin to question it all

If I was who you said I was

If everything I trusted in you for

Was an illusion.

And as the days go by

I no longer want to see you.

In my heart I am angry,

because I feel unworthy to approach you.

I don’t even know how to cry out to you

And so I chose to hold all of it in.

My life is hard,

And you were the hope I cling to

your joy was the air I lived on

But when I saw the reflection of my cancerous sores

I’m reminded of how ugly, dirty and diseased I am.

And as I write this,

I am reminded that I am cancerous

Once I turn my eyes from you

The sores begin to bleed.

Only you can heal me

And each day, can you renew me.

To say I am perfect is a lie

When I know that I need you just to survive.

The proof of my salvation

Is the weight of guilt in sin.

The proof of my salvation

Is knowing that I need you

Just to feel right again

The proof of my salvation

Is the daily struggle just

To seek your face.

Because I need to see your face.

This is the proof of my need

And your love for me.

So even when I’m not my best.

You are.

Selah.

The Power of Forgiveness

After reading about Xitclalli “Chili” Vasquez , who was involved in an accident caused by a drunk driver that left her paralyzed from the chest down, I began to think about childhood and the innocence that went along with it.

Little Chili wrote a letter to the young man that caused her to become paralyzed and explained in detail her life after the accident. She has trouble dressing herself and doing things that she usually could do. It’s like waking up one day and being stripped of her freedom. She cannot be like other 9 year olds. She depends on her family for more than is normal for a child and this causes her to cry out in frustration.

Her letter not only touched those around her but prompted me to look at my own life and my own behavior. I remembered when I was a child and how easy it was to forgive, to forget and move on. This little girl will always be reminded of what happened to her on that horrific day, but instead of choosing to blame anyone for her circumstances she wanted to reach out to the Young man and even meet his family. I don’t know if many of us would do the same. I know I wouldn’t. Most likely, deep down, I’d hold a grudge. Maybe I wouldn’t be as honest as this child is with her self. She didn’t deny how hard it was, nor the fact that she still cries from the burden of relearning everything. But I think she also realized that the young man needed someone to reach out to him as well.

Why do people drink and do other things they know are harmful to themselves and others? We will mostly write it off as being selfish and evil, but there are times-more than not- when people have just made poor decisions and find themselves in a bigger and deeper mess. This is not to excuse the action and the consequences of these actions but there is a root cause for everything. When we can look beyond the situation at hand and look deeper we can truly start on the road towards forgiveness. We can truly embody what innocence is. We will no longer hold in feelings of hurt and blame and can move on with life and be happy.

Everyone needs love and second chances. If we cannot do this, we are only hurting ourselves. If Jesus was like us, none of us would’ve been forgiven. It is Christ-like to forgive. We should never cease to forgive and to love and to move on. I want to be just like little Chili when it comes to forgiveness. Even if there’s nothing I could do to change someone (because we cannot) at least I can move on knowing that I shared my feelings ( like Chili did). True, honest and innocent feelings. Feelings that are real and void of anger and hate.

Despite her body being paralyzed, her heart and her dreams are not, I pray with all my heart that even if life is not what we consider normal for Little Chili, that it will be Extraordinary!

To read a little from her letter :http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/abc-blogs/texas-girl-paralyzed-drunk-driver-leaves-jury-tears-151145291–abc-news-topstories.html

To make a contribution : Scroll to the end of the article-http://dfw.cbslocal.com/2012/11/14/court-cries-after-girls-letter-to-drunk-driver/

Merrishel R.

The Little String Bean

Have you ever wanted to give up? To just plop on the floor, curl up into a ball and fade into nothingness. It’s not even a matter of ceasing to exist, but rather, to give up caring.

Today, while I was removing the ends of string beans that I was preparing for dinner, (When work is repetitive, I sometimes go off into my own mind and start thinking about weird and random things.) I imagined that the string beans were like people: with feelings, emotions, aspirations, goals and fears. I pictured them inside a bowl and the slightly older beans discussing to the newly added beans what goes on and what to expect. All the younger beans were eager towards the cause: becoming someone’s dinner because it was something everyone expected. However, one bean wasn’t satisfied. She questioned everything in her mind and she was terrified that she was subjugated as someone’s meal. What happened to what she wanted? She knew her fate was decided before she was even planted in the ground. She was moody, grumpy and scared. She fussed about everything, and then eventually she sulked and began to shrivel. She didn’t care if she were to be discarded, she decided it was much better than to be eaten and benefit someone else when she’ll have nothing. An older bean spoke; she spoke with a tenderness and love. She said, “Little one, why do you fret? Do you think some of us are blind to the truth before us? Little one, be sure that I would rather die and be of use than to just live and waste away. Just know that your body is made up of nutrients that will benefit this human that needs everything from her environment to survive. Just like in the end, she will go back into the earth as part of what makes us grow. It’s the cycle of all things. In truth, you took in the nurture of the land: sun, water and soil and even though the growth process was hard, you benefited from it all. You saw the sun shine in all her glory and you went through the stormy rains. Yet, the warm earth hugged you and kept you from all harm. You made it this far my love. Why nullify and make void everything you went through.”

I woke from my little day-dream. As much as I wanted to write all of it down and play with the idea as a personal story, I dismissed it as foolishness.

And then, right before I found the courage to write, I realized that this story about a string bean day-dream was the answer I was searching for. I was so upset that I could no longer do the things that I took for granted. I thought that life was going to be normal and that I could function like any normal 20 something year old. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I was so wrong that my heart hurt and I was thinking of giving up on every single dream I hold deep inside my heart. I was like the little string bean that threw a massive tantrum because she couldn’t do what she wanted. She felt trapped and limited, just like I did. But like the wise Bean, I realized that God didn’t allow these rough times to happen just for me to give up. Life is filled with uncertainty. We will have good, bad and in-between days. Just because the end result isn’t what we expect doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have a purpose. I know that every smile and every tear I experience is to bring glory to the One that created me and also to benefit others.

Thank God for my imagination! [Insert silly smile here]

©Merrishel R.

A Dash towards Paradise

Ascending white stairs

Towards heaven’s throne

 

Or what seemed like it

 

but not without a fight

dear sister & brother

My brave little soldiers

With innocence dancing upon their faces

& a fire within their heart

 

Oh & how they lead the way

 

And up and up we go

& thus outside the window pane

That marked a dead of end

Were dancing fairies as white as clouds

In formation they made a castle

That sat upon rocks with ocean waves

That crash & beckon us near

 

Oh how our hearts leaped

 

& we dashed across the blue darken sea

A false hope, an obstructed dream revealed

Never to reach, never to feel, never to hold

& that’s how it all ended.

Merrishel R.

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